We were out to dinner so we didn’t get the news at the same time as the rest of the world. It took a phone call from a friend for us to become informed. Suddenly my husband and I were hugging one another happily and cheering.
Our little boys, 5 and 2 came out of their room in their pajamas wanting to know what the jubilation was all about.
Did we just win a million dollars?
Did Daddy’s favorite team win the Superbowl?
Maybe we were going to Disneyland?
It had to be one of those things, or something like it by the way mommy and daddy were whooping it up.
It was none of those things. We’d just heard the news that Osama Bin Laden, the most evil and villainous man of our generation had been brought to death.
DEATH.
It suddenly became apparent that there wasn’t an easy way to explain to innocent children that the death of anyone is a good thing and reason to jump for joy. I began by telling them that a very bad man had been killed, but then found myself frozen at the word “kill”.
The innocent eyes of my 5 year old looked at me as if he didn’t recognize me at all. I worried that he saw me as a fraud, or worse, a killer myself. Was this the same mommy who doesn’t like him playing with guns or violent video games? The same mommy who teaches the value of all living creatures?
I was numbed by my own altercation. I could assure my little boys that there were no monsters hiding in their room, but now I was being forced to tell the truth about the monsters that walked among us, and ones we couldn’t simply “walk away” from when threatened with name calling or even sticks and stones.
It made me question whether any form of celebration was really appropriate when someone’s life has just been taken. Sure, my initial reaction to the news was that of victory. Bin Laden’s death meant that I might begin to feel safer than I’d felt in 10 years, and that my children might also be safer in a post 9/11 world. It meant hundreds of Americans who’d lost their lives on that wretched day could rest in peace. It meant that those who’d lost loved ones might finally begin to have some closure. It meant that our nation’s division might be bridged and maybe we’d all stop pointing fingers and blaming one another for the decade’s setbacks. I hated this man as much as anyone…but I couldn’t dance on his grave, nor did I want my child to think I was anything other than who I’d always been- a person who valued life.
My husband and I had done our very best to teach our sons tolerance of those that are “bad” and those that have not been given the gift of love and acceptance.
We’ve taught our boys to be compassionate about bullies and not provoke them with hatred or rivalry. We taught them how to keep the peace by simply walking away from those who wish to cause pain. How could I justify this hypocrisy when in his point of view, we were reveling in someone else’s demise?
But even worse, how could I even begin to explain why this was a rare exception without introducing him to the horrid and evil acts of this man?
I realized it wasn’t my son who was in need of a lesson. It was me. My 5 year old in this instance was my teacher and he helped me recognize that evil or no evil, the death of any person is not something to celebrate. Loss of life, no matter who’s it is, is precious and sacred. But I also realized that my son deserved more credit than I was giving him. His eyes told me that he wanted to understand, and that he couldn’t be shielded from the pain that lives in this world forever. I could, however, help him to feel safe and loved by me and his father.
After I took my son in my arms he looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I feel sad for the bad man. He probably didn’t have a mommy like you to teach him how to be nice to others.”
He probably didn’t.
Author: Ally Loprete
A known advocate for parents ever since she became one herself, Ally Loprete founded Our Milk Money, which began as the largest online search directory for parents in the world. Later she transformed the company into a non-profit organization to help women, parents and caregivers transition back into the workforce without the struggle of gendered ageism or work gaps. Nationally recognized as the radio show host of THIS LITTLE PARENT STAYED HOME on iHeart America’s Talk Radio and the host of a television show by the same name, Ally continued to broadcast on both radio and television, with shows like DRAMATIC IMPACT WITH ALLY and WAKE UP. Speaking to many women’s groups across the country with a concentration on family and career balance, Ally published her first book, YOU GOT THIS which earned her rave reviews among her peers. Ally still offers coaching to some select clients. To inquire, visit www.allyloprete.com. Ally lives with her husband and their two sons in the northern suburbs of Los Angeles, in a home filled with lots of laughter.
Ahh children their innocence can teach people a great many things.
sometimes i think Children are the ones who should be in power. They seem so much more morally correct then the current Presidents or Prime Ministers
What a great post! I love to see the world through children’s eyes. Your son’s simple assessment of the death of Bin Laden actually moves me more towards compassion than hatred. Compassion for those young children who are now growing up without being taught values or tolerance. What a better world it could be if only…
Such a powerful lesson and yes one where we will all start teaching our children to love and not hate those who may be “different” and teach love not war.
And your post, Dearest Roz, just put tears in my eyes. So glad to know you and share my heart with you.
xo, Ally
Wow! Wonderfully written and so poignant. What a wonderful mother you are that you can not only teach your son life’s lessons, but that you are able to learn and see through his eyes as well.
Ally, Found you on the Patch. Love this post. It is exactly the thoughts that went through my mind when I started talking to my oldest (5) about the events. How can we preach love and nonviolence and then make exceptions to the rule. There are no exceptions. Children really teach us to be better and stronger in our hearts. Thanks for sharing! I just blogged about it tonight. . . I still feel there is so much to say. Much love!
T.
Trish, please feel free to post your blog link here. I’d love to read your thoughts as well. Thanks also for coming by to visit!
xo, Ally
WOW! Ally, this is beautiful and a lesson for all of us. So many times in life, we as parents are taught by our children the lessons we most hope to teach then ourselves. I want to celebrate this post because it is a pure and most wonderful example that you and your husband are doing a marvelous job. Your son has learned by example the unconditional compassion & empathy we should all have for others. Thanks for sharing.
Great post. It’s amazing how the most seemingly innocent of statements out of the mouths of babes, can change or perspective so quickly.
It’s such a fine line we walk as parents.
Oh Ally–what a great post. I was watching TV last night as the Breaking News came…ahh I must say I felt a sigh of relief. To think that the man who masterminded the terror associated with 9/11, the man who instructed the plane to hit the twin tower and the official buildings in Washington, the man responsible for all of those innocent children killed in the daycare center, the man responsible for the death of all those innocent fire fighters who ran into the burning building to save people, the man responsible for so many moms/dads/teachers/relatives forced to break the news to children that their mommy or daddy will never come home again–Bin Laden was an evil man who had no respect for human life–I’m trying so hard to feel sorry for him–but I can’t. Thanks for having the courage to write about this!
What? Why does your 5 & 2 year old have to know the truth to your celebration, relief or sense of justice being served? Yes, he was terrified of your reaction because he has no true understanding of the evils of the world (nor should he). This topic is not a discussion for children. Death, killing, murder. These are not topics children should know about. I have not an ounce of remorse for his death nor do I choose to find a reason for it.
I agree with you 100%
This is beautifully written. My daughter is 10 and when she say the celebrating in DC on the television, she was baffled that people were cheering. I try to shield her as best I could, but media won this time. It offered us an opportunity to talk about humanity and tolerance for others. We found a way to turn the situation into a learning experience. Thanks for posting.
This post is not beautiful, it is very disturbing. No children that age should have to have the burden of that in their head. They should be worried about if the weather will be nice enough to play outside the next day. You had an easy choice to make, you could have just told them something happy so they could go back to sleep without worries of nightmares. Part of what’s wrong in this world is that parents expect children to grow up too fast and they overwhelm them with adult topics. This is just one example. I have no remorse for that man, and I do not feel guilty for it.
I try not to judge other parents but it is difficult when common sense is involved. Sorry to be so harsh, but this really got to me.
Your son reminds us that we need to care enough to know, the things that children know.
So beautifully written and my exact feelings that I couldn’t put into words. Thank you so much for sharing.
Mariec- I understand your comment but you can’t shield the children from this kind of news. They will hear it at school, the newpaper headlines, etc. To explain to them in an age appropriate way is the best thing because they get their information from someone they trust first. There is A LOT you can shield them from but news this big….I would rather they hear it from me so I can tell them in a gentle, age appropriate way. Sometimes, like in this blog, they can teach us a thing or two along the way.
I am grateful to have this forum to express similar sentiments Ally. Your boys – your post – will hopefully touch the hearts of many and help our country to better understand the irony in what is happening. While the death of, what many perceive as the most evil man of our generation, is a relief to say the least – yet it was a grizzly death of a man who was lead tragically astray by his beliefs and environment. There is absolutely no excuse for his heinous acts and most of us can safely say that we could never perpetrate the horrors that Bin Laden is responsible for, but there is always that “perfect storm” by which much of humanity is victimized. He was hateful; barely human many say. But let’s not lose an opportunity to find gratitude for all that we have in this country, and in our hearts, as we become lost in our hatred and anger.
Give those precious little boys a hug and celebrate the love of two the wonderful parents you have become….
You know, I may get the unpopular vote here, but justice is different from murder. This man was a tyrant and he deserved to be killed. You should teach your children all the things about life, not just the pretty, but there is ugly in this world.
I’m appalled that anyone would reduce who and what Bin Laden was just to sugarcoat it for a child. Your child needs to know the TRUTH no matter if it is ugly. You could have not said anything at all instead of feeling that this terrible person deserved any mercy.
Guess what? I am a born again Christian, and I do believe life is precious and this monster took plenty of precious lives fully knowing what he was doing.
There is nothing precious about the devilish things he’s done nor should we raise our children to be oblivious. That is a big mistake.
You said exactly what I said…..I will say I received so many comments both good and bad about the tragedy of a horrible human being, but nonetheless still human. I shared and many others shared in order to prove that while we had vile contempt for this human being it still did not make “us” any better of a population of people to celebrate his demise. Your sentiment is echoed and appreciated both as a parent and an educator!
Those that had opposing views, I am as grateful for your posts as the ones who agreed with me. So, thank you for sharing. The truth is, I was torn when I wrote this- which is why I am so glad to have opened up this discussion to everyone. I know myself as a mother and a person- I am NOT a good liar. I am always caught with an inconsistency and it gets me in trouble. I am not even good with the concept of Santa Clause (don’t get me started on how hard it is for me to commit to that fabrication!) I don’t disagree with those that said there are certain things kids don’t need to know, but for me I need to give them an element of truth or it will come back to haunt me and my relationship with my children later on. As moms we want nothing more than to shield our little innocent loved ones from all the pain, suffering and evil in the world. I get that. I also get that its not realistic to think that I can protect them forever. The trick is to find a balance- and do it in a way that honors them as little people who will one day grow to be big like us, have strength and understanding, as well as compassion for their fellow human beings. I’d like to think that there will never be a man as evil as Bin Laden in their lives again- but I still believe in teaching tolerance.
FINDING BALANCE IN PARENTING IS OUR MOST DIFFICULT JOBS. I THINK YOU DID A GREAT JOB, BY TAKING THE TIME TO SES THRU THE EYES OF YOUR CHILD. I THINK IT IS NAIEVE, OF SOME OF YOUR POSTERS TO THINK THAT THEY COULD KEEP THIS NEWS FROM A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHO IF HE DID NOT HEAR IT FROM YOU WOULD LEARN IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE ON THE PLAYGROUND. THAT IS WHERE MANY KIDS GET BAD INFORMATION..