Chris Loprete, daddysden, Dads
I know that doesn’t seem like a very provocative title or interesting subject of a blog so let me raise the stakes a little. My wife is reading this for the first time too. When my wife and I have some domestic dust up, I’ve always been pretty good at turning it into a humorous story or blog. Even she gets a kick out of it. Well, I’m taking a chance this time and flipping the scenario. I’m confessing something publicly and hoping she laughs it off BEFORE we fight about it. Will the gamble pay off? Well if it doesn’t…on the bright side I may already have next month’s blog.
So I’ve been ridiculously busy at my job this last month. Lots of late nights and weekends. My department is always busy this time of year because of a big annual presentation the president of our company gives to advertisers and media buyers in New York. Once the presentation is over, we can all breathe a sigh of relief on a job well done. Well, the presentation was given on a Tuesday morning and it’s tradition for our team to take the rest of the day off. Now my wife had an important meeting with her literary agent that night. She was going to take the kids to the supervised play at their preschool and I was going to pick them up. No problem. So I thought…”What would be the harm if I just went to a quick matinee? I haven’t seen a movie in so long. I don’t know when I’ll get to one. I’ve worked very hard at work as well as at home with the kids on the weekend (including giving my wife Mother’s Day weekend off)…why not just go to a movie and I’ll be home to take care of the kids tonight?” Now I’m pretty sure my wife would have preferred that I come home even earlier and help her with the kids. So why didn’t I call my wife and let her know that I was heading to the movies? Um…please save all questions until the end.
I drive to a movie theatre about 5 minutes away from our house. That way I can pick the kids up faster than if I went to a theatre near work. In fact I’ll still get them earlier than I would have if I worked the whole day. Am I a great Dad or what? I pay my ticket, grab my 3D glasses and head in. The movie begins and I’m usually vigilant about turning off my phone because I can’t stand when people talk or text during a film, but this time I kept it on vibrate…just in case. Good thing too. Sure enough because the Universe loves to screw with me, at about the half way point of the movie my phone begins to vibrate in my lap. It’s her. I started to perspire as I did something I would never dream of doing before. Pushed the “ignore” button. If it’s important I’m sure she’ll leave a voice mail and I’ll duck out of the theatre in a minute to check it. BZZZ. BZZZ. She’s calling back. Ooookay she’s looking for me. Duck out the theatre NOW. I scamper out of my seat. Luckily the theatre was mostly empty because most people were working or home with their families. I’m starting to hate myself as I write this. I hurry out to the lobby so she won’t hear the obscenely loud sounds of Thor saving the planet. “Hello?” “Hi” Oh God. She’s been crying. “Is everything okay?” “I’m sorry to bother you” she says. “You’re not bothering me at all” I say. (TELL HER!)”What’s up?” (YOU FOOL!) She then goes on to tell me about what a miserable day she’s been having and she’s thinking of calling off the meeting with her agent. I ask her if she wants me to come home. For the record I meant it. I would have left the theatre right then and hurried home.
Of course it would have confused my wife because I would have been home about 40 minutes before I usually get home from work. “No”, she said. “I just need a pep talk.” Now I’m REALLY good at breaking my wife out of her funks so I go into my best spiel. Please believe me when I say that I wasn’t b.s-ing her just to get back into the theatre. I really meant everything I was saying and I was telling her everything she needed to hear. I was even ignoring the curious glances from the people in the lobby. I’m sure they were impressed by this man who must be a motivational speaker. Not so much. Turns out they were looking at a lunatic having a very animated conversation on his cell phone…who had forgotten to take off his 3D glasses. I can imagine how many dinner conversations that night that started with “I saw the strangest thing in the lobby of the movie theatre today…” It worked though. My wife stopped crying, she said she felt better and she thanked me. I hung up walked back into the theatre glad that I had cheered her up, but feeling like pond scum. I watched and enjoyed the rest of the movie but I was obviously distracted. You gotta understand. My wife and I don’t lie to each other. We don’t know how. On the few occasions we have been deceptive it tears away at both of us like Poe’s Tell Tale Heart. In my case the heart beat under the floor boards was as loud as Thor’s hammer.
May I just interject here and say that last month Arnold Schwarzenegger confessed to fathering a child over a decade ago with his maid. I went to the movies. Just putting it in perspective. Okay back to the story. The movie ended, I picked up the kids, fed them, bathed them, and put them to bed. My wife got home from the meeting and told me it went well and she was glad she didn’t call it off. I considered telling her right then, but it seemed a little soon. No. Best to do the most cowardly thing imaginable and wait two weeks to tell her in a blog. So there it is.
This is my warped way of apologizing. I’m sure a therapist would have a field day. They say the truth will set you free. I am about to seriously put that theory to the test. You may not even be reading this. I have to send it to my editor first…who is also my wife.
So if you are reading this, one of two things has happened. Either I’m right and she is laughing this whole thing off…or I’m dead and she has posted this posthumously as a warning to other husbands out there. We shall see…
Chris Loprete, daddysden
As I write this, I am sitting poolside in Vegas with a Tequila and Tonic in my hand talking to five of my closest buddies about what to do with the money I just won from a bet on an NBA game. Okay that last sentence is not entirely true. I’m writing this 2 weeks after that scenario.
To be honest sometimes writing these blogs is work and the last thing I want to do when I’m on vacation is anything that resembles work. And two weeks ago I took a much needed vacation. I won’t go into the details of the trip (what happens in Vegas blah blah blah), and if I did it would probably bore you anyway. Let’s just say I’m getting very old.
The point and this month’s Daddy’s Den lesson is how important it is to take a break. Whether it’s an evening with the guys, a movie by yourself, or a longer vacation even just overnight, recharging your battery is essential to a healthy family life. Believe me, your wife and kids will thank you for it. Not only do you come home happy, rested, and ready to take over the domestic chores and parental duties for awhile, but you’re also so grateful to your wife for letting you go that you’re taking care of the kids and “honey do” list two weeks before you even leave.
And ladies, don’t think I’m forgetting about you. You need a break as much as the Dads. More so if you’re a stay at home mom. But I’ve found that men and women are wired differently in that regard. Whenever my wife has girl’s night out or a weekend without the kids, she always ends up coming home early because she misses us. On Mother’s Day y’know what she likes to do? Spend it with her family! What’s up with that? I don’t know whether to hug her or get mad at her for making me feel guilty for wanting to get away once in a while. I mean am I a bad father for wanting to do everything on Father’s Day BUT be a father? I’m outta there! I have learned one thing though. Getting away is important. But since becoming a husband and father, I’m no longer sad when it’s time to come home.
Chris Loprete, daddysden, Dads
I’ve noticed one new thing about myself that I’m attributing to being a father. I make a lot more noise when I stand up. Okay, wait. Two things. I cry at the drop of a freakin’ hat now! Growing up I was always a sentimental guy (to a fault), but short of excruciating pain or a death in the family it would take a lot to actually start the water works. Three big exceptions: the movies Terms of Endearment and Glory and for some reason the Happy Days episode when Fonzie goes blind. Buckets.
Now it takes very little to get me verklempt. I’m not talking about sobbing or rending of garments or anything. But the least little tug at the heartstrings will get me welling up. Movies, TV shows, even commercials. The wireless provider ad (I’m not protecting anybody’s name. I seriously forget who the ad was for) where the guy is on a business trip and miserable and is sitting at the airport and then his daughter appears next to him smiles and says “Hi Daddy” and he starts asking her how her day was and you find out he’s on his cell phone talking to her with a big smile on his face? I was a mess.
THERE! See? Even now I just felt my tear ducts start to work. Or there’s a scene in the brilliant mini-series Band of Brothers when the American Army liberates a Belgian town from the Nazis. A GI approaches a young Belgian boy and gives him a chocolate bar. The boy’s father says “He’s never had chocolate before.” The boy takes a bite, looks at the soldier and smiles. Forget it. I was done. Even family sitcoms like The Middle or Modern Family will have a sweet moment each week that will get me going.
So add one more thing to the long lists of Things They Don’t Tell You about being a Dad. You are destined to turn into one big wuss. I guess it’s a good thing though. Looking at the examples above, one common denominator is that any situation eliciting an emotional response from me always involves children. So it’s no wonder these reactions have started since I became a father. It just tells me that I’m so in love with my kids and being a Dad that any sentimental situation on TV, film or even books involving children succeeds in triggering such a stirring of emotion in me for my kids that I…excuse me I have something in my eye.
![Santa Behavioral Therapy]()
Chris Loprete, daddysden, Dads
I’m a sucker for the holidays. I LOVE this time of year even though I live in Southern California and I ache for that winter crispness of the East Coast and the country Christmases I enjoyed so much as a kid…and despite the fact that I start to panic every time I look at an anemic bank account that has to endure another gutting for gifts… and except for the crowded stores and credit card debt and shopping for that PERFECT gift for my wife when I have NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS! Oh man, am I stressed. Anyway I really do love the holidays. And since I became a father, another element has been introduced which truly makes this the most wonderful time of the year. What’s that you say? Seeing my kids’ faces light up with the magic and joy of the season? Uh…okay, sure. Whatever. Two things then.
My wife is very big on behavioral therapy when it comes to our kids. In fact she devoted one of her This Little Parent Stayed Home radio shows to it (insert link here). I am teaching her a very special behavioral therapy that only comes around this time of year. It’s a method that’s been passed down from generation to generation. That of “Santa Behavioral Therapy” Allow me to demonstrate…”Clean up your toys! Santa’s watching!”, “Don’t talk back to me! Santa probably heard that, you know!”, “Go to bed now! You hear that sound? That’s the sound of Santa erasing your name off one list and writing it on the other!” Works like a charm. Yes, Virginia there IS a Santa Claus. And he’s a parent’s best friend. In fact I’ve begun using this form of discipline year round. Like in March. “Hey! Santa’s back from vacation and cranking up the workshop so you better check that attitude!” I go even farther. I turn on the Lord Of The Rings trilogy and point to the evil eye of Sauron and say,”Hey that’s kind of like Santa. He has a giant eye that can see EVERYTHING YOU DO.” And then I chuckle quietly. Oh, man. Sit back and watch them eat their vegetables. You’re welcome…and happy holidays!
Chris Loprete, daddysden, Dads
By Chris Loprete
A 1955 edition of Housekeeper’s Monthly released a Good Wife’s Guide. Please look it up and read it. It’s priceless. Here are some examples on how to be a good wife when your husband comes home.
- Prepare yourself. Put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking
- Remember he is the master of the house. Don’t question him
- Try to encourage the children to be quiet
- Don’t greet him with complaints and problems
- Listen to him. His topics of conversation are more important than yours
- Try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his real need to be at home and relax
- A good wife always knows her place
And that barely scratches the surface. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Why oh why wasn’t I a husband in the 50’s?” No? Oh. That’s just me then. But even a Neanderthal like me sees how these “rules” simply don’t apply today. First of all, who says the “wife” is the one at home? I know several “House Husbands” and none of them put a ribbon in their hair before their wife comes home from work. They usually wait until the weekend. Also “his real need to be at home and relax” somehow indicates that the stay at home parent has been relaxing all day. A very reliable source has assured me that that is not the case. So with all of this in mind, I have composed a counter guide. I call it:
The Guide to the One Who Works Outside the Home
- Prepare yourself. You may be home from work, but you’re not done working yet
- Master of the House? You haven’t been home for 8 hours with whiny kids while trying to run a home based business. You’re not the master of anything
- Try to encourage the kids to be quiet (okay this is sound advice even in the 50’s. I think we can all agree on that)
- You’ve both got complaints and problems. Vent to each other and don’t play the “My day is tougher than your day” game. You’re both right. And wrong. Either way nobody wins
- Listen to each other. I’m sure you both have good topics of conversation. You may want to include the kids too. Check that. If you’re trying to talk to your spouse, the kids will include themselves…very…very loudly
- You both have a world of strain and pressure and a real need to relax. The sooner you help each other, the sooner you can both do just that
- A good wife does always know her place. So does a good husband. It happens to be the same place. Home. Be a team.
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